Ten Top Uglies of Today

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I’d like to take this opportunity to unleash my inner frustrations with present day fashion don’ts- for men. Feel free to comment with anger or with nodding compassion to this list that I concocted to address the top 10 uglies of today.

1. AXE deodorant (or AXE anything for that matter):
The funny thing about AXE is that it appeals to men with the suggestion that chicks (and only the hot ones) won’t be able to keep their hands off you with a spritz of this oh-so-manly sex fluid. I would say it’s a clever approach on one hand. But, on the other hand, the ladies are watching the same ad thinking: unless you’re a snot-nosed braceface in junior high with zero sense of reality, there is no way you could be convinced by this ad.

First of all, I’ve smelt it and it smells like a camel’s burp after its been drunk off of cheap cologne.

Second of all, the tragedy is that men own this. And with confrontation, their excuse is that “it smells good.” Refer to point 1. Third, it proves that boobs can sell anything. Fourth, Touche AXE for your knowledge of point 3.

2. Sketchers:
I don’t care if you’re male of female, gay or straight, if you don’t realize how fatally ugly anything made by Sketchers are, I’m not sure you’re worthy of shoes. The only people that should be allowed to wear Sketchers are just really old, old people that have relatives that work at Sketchers and get them for free. I make this exception because I assume that they have no money and can’t see.

3. Square Toed Shoes:
Every time I walk into a shoe store that sells these, I laugh because they seem to be getting more and more ridiculous. It all started when the duckbill inspired shoes started pairing up with suits. For a few years in the 90’s it was alright. I mean you couldn’t really go wrong in the 90’s. Now they make it in python leather in colors such as maroon and purple, and in different and ridiculous lengths and I worry. The direction we’re headed is not a pretty one. I’m going to start donating a dollar for every purchase of pointed formal shoes to world peace, because this is the change we need.

4. That ONE hipster scarf:
You know which one I’m talking about. When local street merchants sell them for $5 in all colors of the rainbow that might be a hint that it’s not that trendy anymore. In fact, I think the only time it ever worked was slightly before the Misshapes phase- that too in black and white only.

5. That ONE pair of hipster glasses:
Once again, you know which one I’m talking about.

6. Baggy jeans:
If you don’t live in my neighborhood which is deep in Harlem, New York City or places that are just like it, you’re never going to need that much space in your pants to steal. The only time it works is if you can rap. If you can’t rap, you can’t pull off baggy pants. End of story.

7. Ironic beards:
a.k.a. Indie beards. They’re awesome for about 3 seconds when I go, “Oh man, look at his beard!” After that when I actually want to be attracted to you, I can’t because your keratin face nest won’t let me see what’s going on over there. I start imagining hidden acne and leftover brunch crumbs, and by that time I stop hearing anything you’re saying to me.

8. The Long Island/ Gotti look:
Uh… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Jagerbombs!

9. Standard striped shirt over a T-shirt:
This is a really common one, yet one that no one talks about because so many people do it (especially men in frats). A prime example is an Abercrombie and Fitch color striped shirt, buttoned down just high enough to show the contrasting color of the T-shirt worn underneath. It’s unforgivable if the color of that t-shirt is green or orange. You might as well top it off with an over-bended baseball cap and a cheesy neck chain. Then proceed to smell like old beer and poop.

10. Hot Topic pants:
Admit it, you have, at one point or another made fun of that one slightly over-weight kid that stands out at the local mall because he’s just so extremely goth and dark that he hangs around Hot Topic all day and wears his hair all weird. He has those mad baggy pants on, but they’re cut right to his ankle making him look as if he’s 4 feet tall- for some reason they have a million metal holes in them and pockets that come down to the knees- unless you’re going parachuting with that thing, don’t wear it. Do your goth thing, but those pants just scream “awkward” and that you probably enjoy anime when you have free time from all the crying you’ve done after watching Tim Burton films.

Yena Kim

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3 Responses to “Ten Top Uglies of Today”


  1. 1 brianjames January 19, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    Makes me miss high school a little. *tear*

  2. 2 Ryan Evans January 19, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    *nods with compassion*

    As a male, I spent equal measures of time laughing and cringing while reading this…Can we get this posted on a billboard?

    p.s. Loved #3…def had a pair of square toed brockports last year and loved the shit out of them.


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