Going Commando


This weekend was relatively low key for me seeing as how they’re typically filled with fast cars, hot models, and international espionage. There was however, a gleaming moment during my two days of Dave-time that pushed it over the edge into success. There I was, channel surfing after watching a sexy documentary on Chicks and Guns (and totally not Barefoot Contessa), when I stumbled halfway into the 1985 cinematic masterpiece and ultimate man-fantasy, Commando, starring Ahhhnold Schwarzenegger. For the uncultured, Commando centers around a retired military badass named John Matrix (Arnold) who has his daughter (a pre-pubescent Alyssa Milano) kidnapped…by the Bolivian government?…And the only way to exact revenge is to blow up everything in his amazingly-defined pectoral path, all the while spitting hilarious one-liners off the top of his dome-piece. As I giggle unstoppably and clapped my hands together in excitement for the next forty minutes in awe of the sheer volume of death and explosions, I wondered which movies had the highest body count of all time and where Commando ranked. That being said, here is the official top twenty list care of MovieBodyCounts.com:

# | Kill Count | Film

1 | 836 | LotR: Return of the King (ex)
2 | 610 | Kingdom of Heaven (ex)
3 | 600 | 300
4 | 572 | Troy
5 | 558 | The Last Samurai
6 | 468 | LotR: Two Towers (ex)
7 | 310 | Grindhouse: Double Feature
8 | 307 | Hard Boiled
9 | 307 | Titanic
10 | 305 | We Were Soldiers
11 | 256 | Starship Troopers
12 | 255 | Saving Private Ryan
13 | 247 | Rambo
14 | 236 | Equilibrium
15 | 214 | Bullet in the Head
16 | 199 | A Better Tomorrow II
17 | 187 | Blood Diamond
18 | 187 | The Chronicles of Riddick
19 | 186 | Dune
20 | 184 | Braveheart

It must be said that the count is based on actual “on screen” deaths, so world apocolypses, explosions, and mass destruction don’t count. Commando, sadly ranks at a dishonorable 74 which should be a shocker to anyone who’s witnessed the movie’s final mêlée at the mansion. As you can see, the Top 10 are pretty standard, mainly consisting of bloody period-epics (what a dangerous combination of words). Some surprises here are Grindhouse (didn’t watch it), and the John Woo Hong Kong classic Hard Boiled where youtube has tagged the hospital scene as “Greatest Action Sequence Ever Filmed”. Also, It’s nice to see Starship Troopers listed on something other than “Dave’s favorite movies starring Casper Van Dien”.

Well there you have it, next time your boys heckle you for owning Titanic, just throw that statistic at them and let your heart go on.

Dave- Wyld Stallyns


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