Welcome to the wholesome 90’s family sitcom patriarch battle royale. (Make no mistake about it, the families may be wholesome, but the battle royale is a no holds barred, bloody, violent warfare.) We will decide once and for all, who the toughest father figure is from an era when TV families were at their best. They can be a shoulder to cry on when a daughter breaks up with a boyfriend, but if their family is in danger, you best believe these Dads switch into badass mode and will throw down for their kin.
Let’s take a look at our fighters:
This rumble will follow traditional WWF rules, only all combatants will be present in the ring when the bell rings. Fathers are eliminated by being thrown over the top rope and having both feet touch the venue floor. Here’s how we think it will go down:
Justin: In my experience, when battle royals such as this start, after the initial punching of who’s next to you, some of the lesser competitors typically gang up on who is thought to be the favorite or the most difficult to remove opponent. In this case, the prehistoric mystery of Earl Sinclair of Dinosaurs fame, is clearly that guy. Sure he appears to be slow moving, slightly dim-witted, and a gentle soul… but he’s a motherfucking dinosaur! I say off the bat, the 2 big Black guys (Phil and Carl), approach Earl under the veil of friendship and upend him over the ropes A.S.A.P. The intellect of a seasoned judge and a street smart cop know better than to turn their back on a megalosaurus.
Dave: I agree with that prediction and believe that his Jurassic stats wouldn’t help him against the combined forces of two of the most fierce sitcom dads, even with the added help of Baby Sinclair hitting opponents with frying pans ringside. On the opposite end of the ring, Frank Lambert and Tim Taylor would quickly square off for the manliest man title, which seems all but lost for Tim as Frank towers over the diminutive Taylor with a four inch reach advantage. That coupled with the training Frank would have gotten from his not-so-bright nephew and martial arts expert, Cody Lambert, would make that an easy elimination.
Justin: Despite being a little overwhelmed by his large family, Frank IS a badass. And if Tim doesn’t get picked up and thrown the old fashion way, I’m certain, knowing his pretty poor odds, the Toolman would come equipped with a custom upgraded Binford product intended to give him an unfair advantage, despite Al’s insistence, “I don’t think so, Tim”. Of course, it would go horribly wrong and he would probably be thrown out of the ring in an explosion of compressed air and smoke. Either way, Tim’s not lasting long.
Dave: While Tim was airborne, I imagine the crowd being treated with the hilarious sight of a lanky Danny Tanner running cowardly around the ring to avoid any and all combat with Alan Matthews in tow. His awkwardness may be his saving grace as it’d be easy to out-strength the father of three but Tanner is built like a spider monkey – all knees and elbows which would prove difficult in finishing the job. I predict an upset with Matthews going topside overwhelmed by the tenacious Tanner.
Justin: Agreed. While Alan can go into a rare fit of badassery, he really is poised for an early elimination. I picture Danny jumping up and down with his arms raised high like a little girl celebrating, shouting proclamations of being the “Best Dad Ever!” and blowing kisses to little Michelle. All remaining contestants, taking offense to this and confused why he isn’t in half yet, would probably quickly dispose of the OCD pop, probably by way of a Lambert dropkick/Winslow body splash/Banks body press combo.
Dave: That leaves Carl, Uncle Phil, and Frank left to battle it out for the championship. I’m gonna go ahead and assume the lone whitey will quickly see himself the target of a race war. Lambert, unflinched by the odds laid before him would go into it with gusto BUT, in a surprise twist, “G”, Uncle Phil’s butler and right hand man, incapacitates Frank with a silver serving platter from outside the ring quickly disposing of the step-dad, leaving Carl and Phil in an epic mano-a-mano blitzkrieg to find out who in fact, is the Biggest and the Blackest of all TV dads.
Justin: Tough call here. You would think Carl has some sort of police combat training, but then again I thought there was a weight limit for the Chicago Police Department. One would assume this would come down to a sumo match. Here’s my guess… they take off their shirts and prepare for a charge towards each other.. and just when the crowd is breathless awaiting the fat sweaty collision, Earl Sinclair, realizing what the hell is happening and regressing back to his dino-instincts storms into the ring and just tears shit up. I’m talking T-Rex realizing his electric fence is down crazy, he forgets how to talk and just starts destroying everybody. That’s what you get for inviting a motherfucking dinosaur to a wrestling match. He gets shot with a tranquilizer, and guest referee Mr. Belding calls it a draw.
Dave: We just M. Night Shyamalan’d it!
Dave & Justin – Wyld Stallyns