The Foot Clan, Wants You!

*As Adam over at Zuriick has been in the trenches of a lot of work, we figured we would call upon our past guests, the Wyld Stallyns to spruce things up a bit! We hope you enjoy this enticing story of mutant turtles, katanas, and a clan that must love feet.


The Foot Clan. This organization shrouded in mystery has taken several different forms over the years, but today we look to examine the early 90’s cinematic version of the crime ring/ninja gang/bumbling idiots.

For starters… this is supposed to be an elite fighting force. Granted they started as kids on the streets, but they have been hand-trained by Oroku Saki. There are rigorous try-outs, so I have to assume every member that is wearing the cool mask with screen bug eyes is able to remove bells from a mannequin in smoke without making a sound.

So let’s analyze one of the Foot Clan’s biggest and perhaps most successful battle with the Ninja Turtles and see what they do right and see what Tatsu should have spent a little more time on in Foot Clan school.

0:16: Great entertainment value, but not so sure a nun chuck exhibition is the most efficient use of their time when death is on the menu. If I were them, I’d want to get this whole killing turtles thing off my plate quickly so I could get back to that sweet Foot Clan lair/arcade/Best Buy/golf club warehouse.

1:31: A splash of water in your face should not cause you to grab your face in panic. But, I suppose if you’re stupid enough to think that sticking a turtle in a fish tank when you have him double teamed will incapacitate him, and then continue to gingerly help him back on his feet… you didn’t stand a chance anyway. Suggestion: Smash turtle head INTO glass fish tank. I’m no ninja, but it’s just a thought.

1:43: Spinning turtle. I’m ahh… just gonna stay away from that for a bit.

1:50: Foot member whom I thinks name is “Pershuto” comes in bearing several axes. If you had axes all along and decided not to use them from the get-go against giant mutated karate turtles, then that just shows poor decision making skills. That fact aside, how hard is it to axe a 300 pound turtle? Seems like a lot of surface area for axing to me.

3:23: Looks like one Foot member has the brilliant idea to hit Michelangelo’s shell with a vintage Monopoly board game. I mean, that wouldn’t even hurt a real turtle, but I guess you make do with what you have when you’re battling in an antique store.

4:32: You gotta admire their gusto. The Foot Clan’s pajamas don’t look like they’re made from the most flame-retardant material, but there they are; still fighting amidst flames. Can’t deny their dedication, now if only they put that much effort into their schoolwork, they wouldn’t be in this mess  (and that one guy wouldn’t be dead from electrocution).

Conclusion: Their skills are undeniable and I’m sure are very successful against non-hockey stick-wielding-human combatants, but they’re not very quick on their feet. Utilizing some critical problem solving, they could have gotten five of their friends that were standing in the ready position watching other fights… pick up that piano they played with Donny’s head earlier… and drop it on the turtle that is lying on the ground… orrrr just set the apartment ablaze in the first place and avoid fighting altogether… but, I guess that’s expecting too much from 15 year old runaways.

Wyld Stallyns


2 Responses to “The Foot Clan, Wants You!”

  1. 1 eli May 31, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    what are the mask called

  2. 2 eli June 8, 2009 at 10:38 pm

    what are the ninja mask called

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